Stripped Bare: My Truth…

Family, Life, truth, Uncategorized

Clenched jaw, heart palpitations, rapid breathing, clenched fists, feelings of Anger, fear and panic… Hello anxiety how I have missed you.. NOT.. I was first introduced to my old mate anxiety over 8 years ago, as I mentioned briefly in a previous post there was a time when I became a broken, scared and angry girl and during that time I met my old mate A..

To those that “know me” may not be surprised with how my life has turned out. Some people even have an idea of me living the perfect stress free life. I have even heard comments over the years that “oh you would never understand” “ It is because you have never had to face anything confronting” “Whats the worse thing that could have gone wrong in your life” the list goes on people can be so judgemental and cruel.. But the reality is I have actually had to deal with a lot of SHIT and BAGGAGE over the years. I just try not to let it DEFINE me as a person.

define you

image via google

Without going into all the details as its my crap not yours I basically was going through a pretty crappy time drinking ALL the time. My cousins and I joke about it now but to be honest its far from a joke I would carry mini bottle of alcohol in my bag like it was a bottle of water.. This night was no different we went out to a family dinner and decided to “party on” In short I got beyond wasted and in the end was in a situation none should have to be in no matter how sober or drunk they may be. I spent the next few weeks crying, and devising my escape plan I had convinced myself that maybe it was best I move away. We all have those nights when we vow to ourselves we will never drink again I was adamant that I would stick by my word ( I can just see everyone reading this that I know go aah so that’s why the crazy girl doesn’t drink). Not surprisingly I ended up with a little post traumatic stress and thats when I first came eye to eye with anxiety. If I went out I felt like everyone was looking at me and knew what had happened and was judging me

I felt feelings of Shame, Guilt, Anxiety, Loss of control, Dirty for years. The truth is I’m not ashamed anymore it is what it is and to be honest even though it was the worst night of my life it was also going to be the biggest turning point in which would open the door for a life I never knew existed…

So how did I control my anxiety levels from getting too high then and why now are they knocking on the door.. Running. Running become the best medicine along with an intense therapy course known as Lifeskills (let me tell you BEST thing EVER highly recommend for those dealing with some sort of crap no matter how big or small) But once I learnt to understand the root cause of my shit and how to deal with it running became my outlet. It was the me time I needed to just clear my head of any negative self talk and just be present. So what’s the problem now I hear you say??? Well this body hasn’t bounced back as quickly this time round and with a significantly large abdominal separation still, running is still off the cards for some time.. FARRRK… Brendan duck for cover lol over the years Brendan has learnt my early warning signs usually because he was the brunt of it and he would always say “ Babe why don’t you go for a run you will feel so much better”

So the transition of going from one child to two has been very tough as you know as I haven’t hid my struggles. I have my good days and bad some days a feel i nail parenting while other days I don’t. Take saturday for example Brendan had football duties so I decided to take the boys down to the park to watch, Epic fail. Bailey screamed all the way there so this poor mamma was feeling anxious before even stepping out of the car.. Then Cooper wanted to be with dad and not me, wanted to play on the skate ramp, I was worrying that somehow Cooper was going to go missing if I took my eye off him for a second to attend to Bailey or that we were going to get cleaned up by the ball. (At this point I could have thought aliens were going to come down and take us haha) so when Cooper said he wanted to leave I jumped at the chance I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
I got in the car and snap chatted some mum friends me with a screaming baby saying hating my husband right now. Which I was I felt so overwhelmed and as a result frustrated he wore the brunt of it. In my head I was thinking you bastard you work all week and you still have the audacity to leave me with the kids on a Saturday morning while you go run around an oval. In reality I don’t feel like that and I know he loves it and really he needs it as much as I need my outlet but at the time there was no reasoning. I called my mum and headed there for a breather and timeout (how AMAZING are mums I have a winner of one).

So for me at this point it is a matter of finding my new “zen” time or me time that helps me clear my head and just be. To be honest I do find blogging very therapeutic and should probably structure in time to actually sit down and do it by myself; instead of sitting here on the lounge with a very adorable little baby between me and my laptop as I eat my breakfast with one hand and type with the other haha..

When the time comes and I am given the all clear to run I will happily be back on the track but for now its about finding balance in what I can do and control.

So mummas I want to know have you found that your anxiety levels have risen since bubs has come along? (I think to some degree its inevitable)

And what “things” do you do to keep it at bay or have some solid me time? (I would love some suggestions)

So mummas its ok to need alone time whether its running or colouring in.. And dads just be kind to us mums if we have a shot at you instead of firing back maybe just suggest that she go have coffee with a girlfriend while you have the kids for the afternoon tomorrow.

metime

image via google

xxx much love

FED is BEST that is ALL that MATTERS!!!!

Family, Life, Uncategorized

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WOW we have hit the 8 week mark with our little man time is flying by.. I would be lying if I said that it has all been rainbows and butterflies. It has been tough, we have entered the world of reflux which is a completely different ball game to when Cooper was a baby. I take my hat off to parents who have had to deal with reflux what a bastard of a thing I feel like my life is just one big vomit fest and on the lucky days I get the chance to jump in the shower it usually only results with being vomited on 5 minutes later..

But as a mum my mum instincts were telling me there was more to this then just reflux. I was having issues feeding Bailey he was constantly on and off the boob, fussing and then there was the dreaded choking that usually happened at every feed this then resulted in me frantically trying to blow in his face to get him to startle and gasp. By the end Bailey would be in tears and if I wasn’t crying I was on the verge of crying and my heart rate was through the roof. By 4 weeks I decided enough was enough we booked in to see the paediatrician, funnily enough by our appointment Bailey seemed to being getting sick coughing, sounded very chesty and had noisy breathing I figured it was perfect timing as at least we were off to see the Dr already.

So the verdict was somewhat a relief our little guy wasn’t getting sick with a chest infection or any other stressful illness I was stressing myself over. There was even a reason I was struggling breastfeeding Bailey has what they call Laryngomalacia (LM) which is when the voice box is floppy and at times makes breathing harder and with my fast flow he was constantly choking when feeding. With it also comes a thing called a stridor which means he is quiet a noisy baby and breaths quiet heavy/sounds chesty. they tend to rate LM between mild- moderate and severe we are currently sitting between moderate and severe and very unlikely we will hit the severe stage Pheww as that includes operations and a world I don’t want to have to enter if I don’t need too. We are currently in the “watch and wait” stage with regular visits to our Paediatrician. Scary yes only last night I woke up to the poor little man gasping for air so a few quick blows in the face and pats on the back and we were all good.

So between his reflux and LM i find myself doing everything I avoided when we had Cooper; we rock/pat and hold him to sleep, let him sleep on our chest ALL the time because he just does not sleep and is constantly uncomfortable. But do you know what for the first time I don’t care, with Cooper I was so focused on getting him to self settle and go by the book; don’t get me wrong it was amazing and made bedtime so much easier BUT my anxiety levels would sky rocket if for one reason or another if we had to go off the plan. But this time I am going with the flow and just doing what needs to be done to ensure we are all happy and well rested as can be and do you know what I am so much LESS stressed even with everything going on.

So we are now exclusively on the bottle with thickened formula and meds for his reflux and we have seen a slight improvement although we are off to an app today to re evaluate his meds as they aren’t as effective at the moment.BUT we are getting there like all parents we have our good days and bad but we are so grateful for the beautiful little man that has entered our world even if he does refuse to sleep ;).

How did you cope with the early days?

Did you stick to your “plan” or did you need to re evaluate?

xx S

My little Family in Pictures

Family, Life, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

As you may know I had been waiting on the arrival of our second little man “Peanut”. It is with much excitement that I introduce you to Bailey Christopher Otway. Bailey was born on the 18th April 2016 which in fact was our first Wedding Anniversary…

I will share my birth story/first few weeks of motherhood round 2 shortly. But today  wanted to share some very precious photos we had done to capture and celebrate our new family of four.

They always say that you learn so much after your first and it is true you realise what works and what doesn’t work as well as different things to look for. And let me tell you photos are no different. When we had Cooper I had no idea what I was meant to look for or what I wanted all I new was that I wanted newborn photos so I came across a baby photographer looked at the sample book of cute photos and was sold sign me up that was easy..  What I didn’t realise was that some photographers don’t give you the edited images as part of the package that is additional $$. Don’t get me wrong I think Coopers photos are cute. But the experience as a new mum going to a studio, trying to get bubs to lay in certain positions without shitting or peeing everywhere the whole thing was stressful. Once our photos were ready it came to light that we had to purchase through them  cost we didn’t realise. Anyway fast forward to baby number 2 and this mumma new EXACTLY what to look/ask for and I knew what I wanted. I wanted natural shots that were stress free and that captured us being us nothing staged or awkward. After some research I found a company that ticked all the boxes..

Let me introduce The Wild Things, Loren was amazing and for someone who also had just had a bubba she made the time to come and capture our little family so perfectly and did I mention it was STRESS FREE. We just went about our business with some guidance of course.. The end result was PRICELESS not only doing we have beautiful family pictures but we have precious moments/pictures of both our beautiful boys. Loren was able to capture our love for each other, delicate pictures of Bailey as well as Coopers cheeky smile.

The best thing all our beautiful pictures were delivered to us on a beautiful little thumb drive for us to print at our leisure. If you are ever looking for someone to capture your precious moments then I suggest dropping Loren a line you won’t be disappointed.

The results speak for themselves xxx

The Wild Things

 

One of those mornings

Family, Life, Pregnancy

This morning was tough… Brendan had an early morning meeting which meant I was home for the first time with my two little gems and honestly it was hard.. Bailey is having some difficulty with maybe reflux ( the jury is still out on that one) but feeding is becoming a longer process as I can’t put him down once I’m finished as it clearly causes him pain.. But trying to explain that to a toddler is hard.. Cooper is very understanding and very helpful but this morning he just wanted his mummy which resulted in a meltdown telling me to put baby to bed and play dinosaurs and blocks.. I welled up and tried to explain why I couldn’t but that I would come and play and Bailey would watch while I held him.. I found myself checking the time hoping Brendan would be home soon then my phone rang and it was Brendan telling me he was on his way home I cried.. Cooper came running over to make sure I was ok and wiped my tears saying mummy so sad (which let me tell you only made me cry more)
We went on to play blocks but he was very cautious checking on me saying mummy so sad I reassured him mummy was ok… When daddy walked in the door we all sighed with relief and cooper jumped for joy…

One thing I know is that juggling two may not get easier anytime soon but I will get better at it. And as the oldest in my family I don’t remember the early days of when my brother came home so I know deep down Cooper will be ok but today mummy guilt got me xxxxx

I found the following poem on google which was just perfect for me today yes it made me cry I made sure I read it after cooper left…

“Dear Son,
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world” is not something you’re going to hear me say anymore. Not only is it unfair to Daddy, but it really won’t go over well with your baby brother once he is born and learns to talk. For now, though, it’s hard not to keep thinking it.
You, you, you. You’re the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. You changed everything. You turned me into a mom.
And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only boy, you will always be my first.
You’re the first one to make me forget myself. You’re the first person I ever said “I love you” to more than 10 times in one day. You’re the first human whose temperature I took, whose nose I wiped, and whose projectile vomit I was too tired to clean up and just sort of slept in.
With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor. Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.
Our baby’s coming soon, and while you may not be my only child anymore, you’ll probably be the only kid who knows what it’s like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you?
This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your brother will have some advantages. I can’t imagine he will ever be bored or lonely for long — not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, costumes, and magic tricks. I can’t wait to watch him watching you.
You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler, and preschooler, and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You’re the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into the future. You’re in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star.
So when you’re feeling frustrated that I’m nursing your brother instead of playing dress-up, or that I might use stern words with you, but not him (he is just a baby), or that I can’t stop talking about how cute he is (I like infants the way you like ponies), know that there is more than enough love for both of you, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made.
You, you, you. You will always be my first.”

image

Hello Sleep how we have MISSED you!!!

Family, Life, Uncategorized

sleep

When it comes to Coopers sleeping habits we have been pretty lucky, from the get go we have always encouraged Cooper to go to sleep on his own. We never really new how lucky we were, we could put him to bed and he would go to sleep it was a big piece of mind especially when we went out or if he stayed at my parents we new sleep time wouldn’t be a massive concern. However sleeping through has NEVER been a favourite past time of Coopers. We usually found that he would wake up at least once during the night if not he would wake up SUPER early… 4:30 EARLY…

With the pending arrival of peanut I have been very conscious of not wanting Cooper to feel that he is being replaced or anything.. One of my biggest concerns has been his bed situation, I didn’t want him to feel we were kicking him out of his cot for the baby. We decided that instead of moving rooms plus changing beds we would keep Coop in his room and just transition from Cot to bed.

First night was a massive success Brendan and I couldn’t believe how easy it was. Cooper was tired he rolled over and went straight to sleep HIGH FIVE to us we thought we nailed the transition process what were people complaining about on the net this was EASY PEASY but man was I WRONG

From night two Cooper would only lay in his big boy bed if either Brendan or I lay with him until he was asleep. At first we thought it was cute and we enjoyed all the extra cuddles but what went from 15 mins of cuddles in bed turned into a 45-60+ minute plus procedure which usually ended up in Brendan falling asleep in his bed and me having to wake him on my way to bed. Date nights, and just “us time” went out the window. AND to make matters even worse Cooper was waking up at midnight and coming into our bed to sleep. At first we thought this was an easy option at least we got to sleep but as I got further along in my pregnancy this became more and more uncomfortable and I was starting to panic about how this would work when peanut did arrive..

After talking to some mum friends as well as resorting to trusty old google I decided enough was enough and I was going to call in the experts… That is when I called our night in shining armour Tara from The Gentle Sleep Specialist.

There are no words that can describe how amazing Tara is, from the first phone call I new I had made the best decision in calling in an expert. GUESS what mums we DONT NEED to have the answers to EVERYTHING Parenting is HARD WORK. Tara has a range of packages to suit all family needs Brendan and I decided that we would go the full hog and have Tara come and “hold our hand” through a bedtime session. Even just with Tara there and a few little tips Cooper responded so well straight away to bed and what I thought would be a long hard night turned out to be quiet good considering. The best thing about working with Tara is that she is there every step of the way from phone calls checking in to text messages we never once felt that we had to work it out on our own. Tara basically held our hand through two weeks of bedtime via text and calls and I can honestly say that even by night 3 we had seen a dramatic improvement.

Fast forward two months and we now have a little boy who goes to bed and generally sleeps through the night until 6:30. The only time he tends to wake during the night is if he is unwell, had a bad dream or on one occasion had a blood nose but even then after a little cuddle and reminder that its still night time he is back to sleep with no dramas or tears.

I can honestly whole heartily say that calling Tara has been the BEST thing we ever did. I hear lots of mums (me included ) say oh its a stage, it wont last forever, they will eventually grow out of it. But for your own sanity and piece of mind if it is having an effect on your family structure, you are becoming sleep deprived, you feel you never spend time with your husband then don’t be ashamed to call in some help. I’ve already told Tara that I will be giving peanut a set amount of time and if I can get it sorted myself she will be getting a phone call to come and assist with him sleeping through the night. Why should we suffer sleep deprivation just to save face that we are doing it all ourselves… I say bring in the experts when needed and let them help you enjoy parenting it doesn’t mean you have failed I like to see it as being resourceful… If you were at work and were struggling with something you would ask for help so why shouldn’t we as mums and dads be able to ask for help when it comes to one of the most important jobs in the world.

For help with your littles ones check out Tara’s page and give her a call for a chat

The Gentle Sleep Specialist

Sleep tightly xx