One of those mornings

Family, Life, Pregnancy

This morning was tough… Brendan had an early morning meeting which meant I was home for the first time with my two little gems and honestly it was hard.. Bailey is having some difficulty with maybe reflux ( the jury is still out on that one) but feeding is becoming a longer process as I can’t put him down once I’m finished as it clearly causes him pain.. But trying to explain that to a toddler is hard.. Cooper is very understanding and very helpful but this morning he just wanted his mummy which resulted in a meltdown telling me to put baby to bed and play dinosaurs and blocks.. I welled up and tried to explain why I couldn’t but that I would come and play and Bailey would watch while I held him.. I found myself checking the time hoping Brendan would be home soon then my phone rang and it was Brendan telling me he was on his way home I cried.. Cooper came running over to make sure I was ok and wiped my tears saying mummy so sad (which let me tell you only made me cry more)
We went on to play blocks but he was very cautious checking on me saying mummy so sad I reassured him mummy was ok… When daddy walked in the door we all sighed with relief and cooper jumped for joy…

One thing I know is that juggling two may not get easier anytime soon but I will get better at it. And as the oldest in my family I don’t remember the early days of when my brother came home so I know deep down Cooper will be ok but today mummy guilt got me xxxxx

I found the following poem on google which was just perfect for me today yes it made me cry I made sure I read it after cooper left…

“Dear Son,
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world” is not something you’re going to hear me say anymore. Not only is it unfair to Daddy, but it really won’t go over well with your baby brother once he is born and learns to talk. For now, though, it’s hard not to keep thinking it.
You, you, you. You’re the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. You changed everything. You turned me into a mom.
And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only boy, you will always be my first.
You’re the first one to make me forget myself. You’re the first person I ever said “I love you” to more than 10 times in one day. You’re the first human whose temperature I took, whose nose I wiped, and whose projectile vomit I was too tired to clean up and just sort of slept in.
With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor. Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.
Our baby’s coming soon, and while you may not be my only child anymore, you’ll probably be the only kid who knows what it’s like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you?
This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your brother will have some advantages. I can’t imagine he will ever be bored or lonely for long — not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, costumes, and magic tricks. I can’t wait to watch him watching you.
You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler, and preschooler, and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You’re the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into the future. You’re in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star.
So when you’re feeling frustrated that I’m nursing your brother instead of playing dress-up, or that I might use stern words with you, but not him (he is just a baby), or that I can’t stop talking about how cute he is (I like infants the way you like ponies), know that there is more than enough love for both of you, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made.
You, you, you. You will always be my first.”

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Hello Sleep how we have MISSED you!!!

Family, Life, Uncategorized

sleep

When it comes to Coopers sleeping habits we have been pretty lucky, from the get go we have always encouraged Cooper to go to sleep on his own. We never really new how lucky we were, we could put him to bed and he would go to sleep it was a big piece of mind especially when we went out or if he stayed at my parents we new sleep time wouldn’t be a massive concern. However sleeping through has NEVER been a favourite past time of Coopers. We usually found that he would wake up at least once during the night if not he would wake up SUPER early… 4:30 EARLY…

With the pending arrival of peanut I have been very conscious of not wanting Cooper to feel that he is being replaced or anything.. One of my biggest concerns has been his bed situation, I didn’t want him to feel we were kicking him out of his cot for the baby. We decided that instead of moving rooms plus changing beds we would keep Coop in his room and just transition from Cot to bed.

First night was a massive success Brendan and I couldn’t believe how easy it was. Cooper was tired he rolled over and went straight to sleep HIGH FIVE to us we thought we nailed the transition process what were people complaining about on the net this was EASY PEASY but man was I WRONG

From night two Cooper would only lay in his big boy bed if either Brendan or I lay with him until he was asleep. At first we thought it was cute and we enjoyed all the extra cuddles but what went from 15 mins of cuddles in bed turned into a 45-60+ minute plus procedure which usually ended up in Brendan falling asleep in his bed and me having to wake him on my way to bed. Date nights, and just “us time” went out the window. AND to make matters even worse Cooper was waking up at midnight and coming into our bed to sleep. At first we thought this was an easy option at least we got to sleep but as I got further along in my pregnancy this became more and more uncomfortable and I was starting to panic about how this would work when peanut did arrive..

After talking to some mum friends as well as resorting to trusty old google I decided enough was enough and I was going to call in the experts… That is when I called our night in shining armour Tara from The Gentle Sleep Specialist.

There are no words that can describe how amazing Tara is, from the first phone call I new I had made the best decision in calling in an expert. GUESS what mums we DONT NEED to have the answers to EVERYTHING Parenting is HARD WORK. Tara has a range of packages to suit all family needs Brendan and I decided that we would go the full hog and have Tara come and “hold our hand” through a bedtime session. Even just with Tara there and a few little tips Cooper responded so well straight away to bed and what I thought would be a long hard night turned out to be quiet good considering. The best thing about working with Tara is that she is there every step of the way from phone calls checking in to text messages we never once felt that we had to work it out on our own. Tara basically held our hand through two weeks of bedtime via text and calls and I can honestly say that even by night 3 we had seen a dramatic improvement.

Fast forward two months and we now have a little boy who goes to bed and generally sleeps through the night until 6:30. The only time he tends to wake during the night is if he is unwell, had a bad dream or on one occasion had a blood nose but even then after a little cuddle and reminder that its still night time he is back to sleep with no dramas or tears.

I can honestly whole heartily say that calling Tara has been the BEST thing we ever did. I hear lots of mums (me included ) say oh its a stage, it wont last forever, they will eventually grow out of it. But for your own sanity and piece of mind if it is having an effect on your family structure, you are becoming sleep deprived, you feel you never spend time with your husband then don’t be ashamed to call in some help. I’ve already told Tara that I will be giving peanut a set amount of time and if I can get it sorted myself she will be getting a phone call to come and assist with him sleeping through the night. Why should we suffer sleep deprivation just to save face that we are doing it all ourselves… I say bring in the experts when needed and let them help you enjoy parenting it doesn’t mean you have failed I like to see it as being resourceful… If you were at work and were struggling with something you would ask for help so why shouldn’t we as mums and dads be able to ask for help when it comes to one of the most important jobs in the world.

For help with your littles ones check out Tara’s page and give her a call for a chat

The Gentle Sleep Specialist

Sleep tightly xx

Mummy Guilt has reared its ugly head.

Uncategorized

 

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Image Via Google

Over the years I have participated in some personal development courses and I can honestly say that it has helped shaped the person I am today. Like most people I come from a very loving family. However during my late teens and early twenties I became a broken, scared and angry girl who had very little self love or respect for herself. Through the help of some AMAZING support networks and a personal development course known as Lifeskills I not only changed my life around to become the person I am today but I learnt some fundamental rules that help me in everyday life.
One that I am always conscious of is feeling “GUILTY” Someone once told me that we use the term guilty to justify our actions and to prove we care/love someone or something. For example “ I feel guilty I was so busy that I never got a chance to go visit mum today” Basically it is a cop out you are saying that you were to busy to visit mum today but you add the I feel guilty to show people that you really love and care for your mum and have made your self feel bad about it to justify your actions.
Since becoming a mum I have had to learn to deal with the new guilty that comes with the territory of being a mum “Mummy Guilt”. What I have come to learn is that not only do we as mums need to give ourselves more of a break but as a society we also need to stop using the term guilty. For example when my husband and I decided that we were going to go to Bali childfree for our honeymoon I often was hit with the phrase “oh but don’t you feel guilty” My response was always NO because the truth is I didn’t feel guilty. Would I miss him of course everyday but did I feel guilty that he stayed home with his grandparents while his mum and dad went and enjoyed a well deserved break of course not. I know the love I have for Cooper and no amount of feeling “guilty” would change that.

BUT GUESS WHAT we are all human and I am no different. I usually have mummy guilt by the balls and don’t let it sneak in but honestly this week it HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD AND HAD ME BY THE BALLS. As you may or may not know I am currently 28 weeks pregnant with peanut and this pregnancy has been a struggle from back pain to extreme puffiness and just overall being bigger this time round has been a real struggle. But the hardest part has been the sheer exhaustion I have been feeling getting worse over the past couple of weeks. By 1pm I am useless I have hit a massive wall my patience goes out the door, I become moody and very snappy, Im irrational and all I want to do is lay down and not move. Mix that lovely concoction with trying to play mum with a 2 year old and I become a frustrated and emotional mum trying desperately to keep her shit together.

Luckily this week we got some answers I have ridiculously low iron which would explain the 1pm Exhaustion wall. That much so that I am being admitted this week for an Iron infusion. PHEW I’m not just some crazy horrible mother who cant keep her shit together. With all this, mummy guilt reared its head I found myself crying to Brendan only the other day saying I feel so guilty because Im not being the mum or wife I know I can be. I have raised my voice at Cooper more this week then I ever have. The other day it would have been 3pm and Cooper wanted to change movies for the 3rd time in 15 minutes and I got so frustrated because I had to get up AGAIN and change the DVD I acted like it was the hardest thing ever because physically it was exhausting but it sure as hell wasn’t Coopers fault and I realised that as soon as I changed it and next thing I knew I was holding Cooper with tears rolling down my face apologising for my behaviour.

This week I have also found myself scrolling through social media and looking at photos of parents with there kids and feeling guilty usually because its after 1 so Cooper is again being encouraged to watch a movie or I am sitting on the step trying to keep my eyes open while Cooper is playing with his dinosaurs in the playroom. But I came across this picture the other day and it is so god dam true.

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Image via Google

We all have our bad days even weeks and its ok. And yes mummy guilt may have had me by the balls this week but I sure as hell will have its this week. I know I love Cooper and Brendan for that matter and I know they love me. I also know I’m not the only on that is trying to keep her shit together on a daily basis because the reality is we all are to some degree.

Mums we need to share more of our struggles with each other. Call your mum friends and invite them over for a wine or two and tell them how you mentally drafted your post for gumtree to give your children away for free, or how you spent the other morning tracing your sons steps to find poo droppings throughout the house because of a poo explosion gone bad. I can guarantee you will probably laugh and cry together and realise you are not as crazy as thought. And promise me you will try your hardest to do this GUILT free we know that you love your children more then life itself you don’t need to feel bad for having a shit day or for taking some me time. Go and do that yoga class you have been promising yourself you will eventually get to, or go to a girlfriends childfree.

xxx

The C Word everybody HATES

Family, Life, Uncategorized

It’s that one word that no matter who you are, you know what it means and sure as hell can’t stand it. It is one thing that takes no prisoners and no body is immune from it no matter who you are. It doesn’t care how old you are, how healthy you eat or how hard you train or the fact that you are the nicest person on the planet…

CANCER the word is CANCER….

It is a prick of a thing that effects so many people in so many ways… Even at 28 I have a number of friends and family or friends of friends that have been affected by cancer whether it was them themselves or a loved one around them. I honestly don’t think there would be one person that doesn’t know of someone who has had to go through the roller coaster that it brings.

As some of you may be aware last year my husband lost his step mum Lisa to Cancer at the age of 42 and let me tell you it sucks. 6 months on and it still sucks December was a struggle as it was Lisa’s Birthday as well as Christmas.

I wanted to share with you our journey with the beast it was; I decided that the best way to do this would be to share with you a speech I made late last year at a fundraiser a very good friend of mine held to help raise money for woman’s cancer.

First of all from the bottom of my heart I would like to thank you all for coming tonight not only to support my incredible friend Donna but also for helping raise much needed funds to help end woman’s cancer. When Lisa was first diagnosed with cancer I wanted to help in some way, that is when I came across the Weekend to End Woman’s Cancer; Walk 60kms over two days. I decided I would do it in honour of Lisa and Lisa was so proud and was hoping that she would be able to walk some of it next year. It is with a heavy heart that we are now doing next years walk in memory of Lisa.

Im going to be honest when Donna asked me to say something tonight I didn’t think it was going to be so hard to put into words. I have spent hours trying to put together the perfect speech that would do Lisa justice and ultimately explain to those that never got the chance to meet her how much of an incredible soul she was and always will be. The truth is no matter what I say could ever depict Lisa in a bad light, she was the life of the party, she could light up a room with her infectious smile and never took a bad photo ever. Lisa was one of those rare gems that never had a bad bone in her body, she never judged anyone, or said a bad word or gossiped about anyone everything was shrugged off with “it will be right darl’.

For those that don’t know, Lisa is my husbands step mum or how I like to refer to her as my bonus extra mother in law. In May 2014 at the age of 41 Lisa’s world and ours as we knew it was about to change forever. What was originally thought to be a gym injury turned into a living nightmare. Lisa was told that she had breast cancer. At first Drs were very hopeful we were told that due to her age and her health worst case she Lisa would have to have a mastectomy and some treatment and then would be on her way back to full health. During that time even that was hard to hear but looking back now that would have been a great outcome. However Drs were wrong when all tests came back it was far worse stage 4 breast cancer and in her bones.

Lisa was the epitome of strength and courage and to her credit Lisa never let cancer define her. Even on the darkest days Lisa had hope and a will to fight. It wasn’t until after Lisa’s passing that we were told that she wasn’t expected to see Christmas last year. For those that don’t know me; My husband and I only got married in April of this year and Lisa was adamant that she was going to be there no matter what. That much so that Lisa spent the day before our wedding at hospital getting as much pain relief as possible and when her and Paul arrived at the estate that night we were greeted with her biggest smile. The next day was an incredible and precious day. Lisa looked like an absolute princess and if you didn’t know you would have never thought that she was fighting her biggest fight. Even to this day when wedding guests see us the first thing they say is “But how? She looked so good at your wedding”.
As we all know life gets busy as much as we spoke to Lisa in the lead up to her passing she was always so positive that we never realised how close the time was coming. Brendan and I arrived home from our honeymoon on the Tuesday night by Thursday morning we got a call to say that Lisa was in hospital for pain management. It wasn’t until Thursday night that we learnt that she in fact was in palliative care. I text Lisa asking is she wanted anything as we were heading down Friday morning. My text back read “Good morning lovely hope its not too early have had a good sleep so full of beans at the moment. Just some trashy magazines would be great please not so good on the food just yet but Paul has cleared out vending machines anyway, so looking forward to seeing you!!!”

lisa

When we arrived I will admit it was hard, for the first time Lisa looked like a cancer patient. They had just been given news to say things weren’t looking great but still Lisa was still so positive. Saturday Lisa wasn’t great but by Sunday she had improved and was sitting up and laughing. We decided to head home as I was starting a new possible job and Lisa was so excited for me. We decided that we would be back Friday. Monday at school I got a call from Brendan to say that we had to go back now to say our goodbyes as Lisa had taken a turn for the worst. The next 36 hours were the toughest hours as we sat by Lisa’s side as she fought her biggest fight still with manners in tact to the very end because that was Lisa. On Tuesday 9th June Lisa stopped fighting and was finally at peace and in no pain.

To this day nearly 3 months on it doesn’t seem real maybe its because she is still such a big part of our lives and we talk about her everyday. Our son who is just over two talks to her picture on the fridge all the time. Life goes on and I get that we all do, it’s when you actually stop and be still that the reality comes flooding back and tears fill our eyes.

As a family we feel that if we can help raise much needed funds for woman’s cancer then that is one sister, friend, mother, aunt or grandmother we have helped from going through the pain that Lisa went through. As well as saving a family from going through the hurt and pain that we and a lot of other families have gone through.

From the bottom of my heart thank you all very much and I hope you all have an incredible night. I know I’m looking forward to it.”

7 months on and it still at times doesn’t seem real, sometimes I think that when we go down she will be there smiling greeting us at the door, or I expect to receive a text from her full of her love heart and star emojis. As I said in my speech life goes on and it’s when you hit milestones or exciting news that the reality of it slaps you in the face. Brendan and I got the news just over 2 months after Lisa’s passing that we were expecting baby number 2 it was a bitter sweet moment and still is as we get closer to peanuts arrival the reality of him not ever meeting Lisa becomes more of a reality. Don’t get me wrong he will know so much about her but its moments like these; the “firsts” of everything ,Birthdays, Christmas etc that sting just that little bit more.

lisa2

My plan was to complete the 60km walk this year in memory of Lisa however with the walk being 3 weeks out from when peanut is due I don’t think I will be walking too far. However Brendan will be walking along with some friends and family I hope to walk little bits of it along the way. The aim is o raise as much needed funds for woman cancer so I have attached the link to Brendans’ fundraising page and ask that if you can please donate no matter how big or small every little bit counts to helping raise money to end such a disease sooner rather than later.

To donate please follow the link: http://pr16.endcancer.org.au/site/TR/Events/Perth2016?px=1243076&pg=personal&fr_id=1190

To visit Donnas business page please follow the following link: https://www.facebook.com/Donna-Maree-Psychic-Medium-1517211271898637/?fref=ts

Much Love

xxx

My Pregnancy Reality

Family, Life, Pregnancy

Im going to be honest straight out I don’t enjoy pregnancy some women LOVE it and I take my hats off to them because I sure has hell don’t. Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of having a precious little baby grow inside me and I enjoy feeling peanut kick most of the time but when you tend to carry breech babies I can assure you the kicking can be more painful then enjoyable. Only last night I was laying in bed telling Brendan that peanut is kicking so low I’m surprised I don’t see a foot!!!!

Like a lot of other woman I have always had body image issues ( But thats for another day). However as much as I have come leaps and bounds pregnancy ALWAYS throws a spanner in the works and it seems to raise its ugly head. I love to feel fit and healthy and training is my thing, and yes I train while I am pregnant. But it sure as hell isn’t the same and everything seems like a massive struggle and don’t get me started on the recovery time, I usually need a nap or at least a lay down during the day if I have trained in the morning!!!

When I fell pregnant with Cooper I was incredibly fit (agggh those were the days) I really struggled with the way my body changed over the pregnancy and I always thought I was MASSIVE looking at pictures now I was crazy. Here are 2 pictures of me the first I was 6 months pregnant with Cooper and the 2nd is of me pregnant now with peanut maybe a week apart but roughly 6 months… Look at the difference!!!! Im convinced I must be giving birth to an elephant this time round..

The thing that really does my head in is how people feel it is ok to give me their opinions on my baby bump. Where in the social etiquette book does it say that once a woman is pregnant all etiquette rules regarding weight and appearance go out the door. Why is it now ok for people to share their opinions with me ‘wow your big” my favourite is “wow you mustn’t have long to go” and the look on their face when I say “well actually I’m not due till April” is a look of pity and shock followed by are you sure your not having twins!!!! YES IM SURE geez you look like you have gained a few extra kgs over the year but hey its not ok for me to judge you on your appearance so why tell me!!!

Don’t get me started on Instagram, it is my best and worst enemy and I know I am not alone on this one. Girls even if you aren’t or haven’t been pregnant you will be able to relate, Instagram is full of out of this world banging bodies and we are all culprits of one time or another looking at a “fitspo” picture and thinking yes that’s my new goal.. Well let me assure you pregnancy is no different. Have you seen some of the pictures of pregnant woman HOLY MOLY if I looked that good pregnant I would have 10 children and I would walk around in my bikinis 24/7 the reality is I don’t, far from it.. Im not a glamorous pregnant chick Im a puffy uncomfortable sweating pig (slightly dramatic but hey come see me on a 40 degree day and I’m not to far off the mark) my hands feet and face puff up during pregnancy I wasn’t blessed with the glamours pregnancy gene THANKS MUM!!!
Don’t get me wrong Brendan tells me I look beautiful all the time glowing in fact (little does he know its probably just the sweat smeared over my face but hey I’ll take it). I am learning to embrace my new pregnancy look and at times I really do love my bump (hey who doesn’t love a portable carry table it makes eating a dream) I find a tan always lifts my spirits and I don’t feel so fugly. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a shallow person and think life is based on looks; Trust me if you see me at the supermarket you will be lucky to see me with my hair done, and make up, please thats a rarity for me. But its natural for women to want to look some what pretty or presentable and when you are growing from all angles at a rapid rate it is bound to play on your mind.

But pregnant mummas lets take the time to embrace the new “look” and its sure ok to say your not a fan its not for everybody but the gift at the end is priceless and being pregnant in its self is a precious gift. Lets all work on not worrying what others say and don’t compare we need to trust our bodies are doing what they need to do. Personally I think peanut may just like his space so his built himself a spacious bachelor pad in there.. And to the rest of the world maybe lay off the opinions tell us we look great, even if we don’t believe you its a hell of a lot better then hearing how big you think we are…

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Peanut and I at the beach 27th Dec 2015

Much love from this pregnant mumma

xx

Dear 2015

Family, Life, Uncategorized

Dear 2015,
What a year you have been!! You have been a year of such raw emotion…
I started the year with a 60km walk to help end woman’s cancer on behalf of Lisa that challenged me both mentally and physically..
The first four months of the year saw us celebrate the festives and lead up to one of the most magical days of our lives. Our wedding!!! It was more then I could have ever imagined and saying I do between the laughs and the tears was the best moment ever!! We jetted off to Bali to spend 8 nights in pure bliss celebrating our honeymoon , Brendan’s 30th and a beautiful friends wedding !! We were in such a loved filled bubble..

On our return you quickly popped our loved filled bubble and we came crashing down to the reality of having to say good bye to one of the most amazing strong willed and determined women we knew.What followed that was a journey of a different kind of raw emotion what got us through was not only the love and support Brendan and I have for each other but also our little man his smile and passion for life and ability to sense when a hug or kiss is needed has been precious. We know that he can still see Lisa as every now and then he will go to the fridge and point to Lisa’s picture and say nan nan as much as it break our heart it also fills it!!

2015

Memories to last a lifetime

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Pictures say 1000 words

We have had many magical moments with our little man over the year and we were blessed to find out that we would be adding to our pack in April next year!! You saw me cross a bucket list item off my list when I surprised Brendan with a trip to the MCG for the AFL grand final. I took on full time work in a challenging environment with a toddler and being pregnant and I survived and better still at the end of it I loved it!! We finished the year off on a high with a bestie getting engaged and Cooper having the most incredible Christmas.

2016 we are without a doubt ready to see what you have installed for us. We know it is going to be an amazing year and a new chapter especially when our family of three become four I’m excited to see the love Cooper will develop for his new little brother.. 2016 you are about us as a family and also about paying it forward I am looking forward to consciously being a better person to those around me and doing my bit of random acts of kindness to bring joy to those around me and in need.

2016 we are ready for you!!!

Much Love

Sammie xx