This morning was tough… Brendan had an early morning meeting which meant I was home for the first time with my two little gems and honestly it was hard.. Bailey is having some difficulty with maybe reflux ( the jury is still out on that one) but feeding is becoming a longer process as I can’t put him down once I’m finished as it clearly causes him pain.. But trying to explain that to a toddler is hard.. Cooper is very understanding and very helpful but this morning he just wanted his mummy which resulted in a meltdown telling me to put baby to bed and play dinosaurs and blocks.. I welled up and tried to explain why I couldn’t but that I would come and play and Bailey would watch while I held him.. I found myself checking the time hoping Brendan would be home soon then my phone rang and it was Brendan telling me he was on his way home I cried.. Cooper came running over to make sure I was ok and wiped my tears saying mummy so sad (which let me tell you only made me cry more)
We went on to play blocks but he was very cautious checking on me saying mummy so sad I reassured him mummy was ok… When daddy walked in the door we all sighed with relief and cooper jumped for joy…
One thing I know is that juggling two may not get easier anytime soon but I will get better at it. And as the oldest in my family I don’t remember the early days of when my brother came home so I know deep down Cooper will be ok but today mummy guilt got me xxxxx
I found the following poem on google which was just perfect for me today yes it made me cry I made sure I read it after cooper left…
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world” is not something you’re going to hear me say anymore. Not only is it unfair to Daddy, but it really won’t go over well with your baby brother once he is born and learns to talk. For now, though, it’s hard not to keep thinking it.
You, you, you. You’re the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. You changed everything. You turned me into a mom.
And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only boy, you will always be my first.
You’re the first one to make me forget myself. You’re the first person I ever said “I love you” to more than 10 times in one day. You’re the first human whose temperature I took, whose nose I wiped, and whose projectile vomit I was too tired to clean up and just sort of slept in.
With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor. Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.
Our baby’s coming soon, and while you may not be my only child anymore, you’ll probably be the only kid who knows what it’s like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you?
This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your brother will have some advantages. I can’t imagine he will ever be bored or lonely for long — not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, costumes, and magic tricks. I can’t wait to watch him watching you.
You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler, and preschooler, and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You’re the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into the future. You’re in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star.
So when you’re feeling frustrated that I’m nursing your brother instead of playing dress-up, or that I might use stern words with you, but not him (he is just a baby), or that I can’t stop talking about how cute he is (I like infants the way you like ponies), know that there is more than enough love for both of you, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made.
You, you, you. You will always be my first.”