Dear 2016

Family, Life

 

Dear 2016,

Here we are again. Honestly it seems way too soon, it felt like yesterday that I was hot and heavily pregnant in January.. Yet now I am here sitting on the couch with two little men sound asleep..

You have been a great year, we found ourselves celebrating our first wedding anniversary with the arrival of our Little man Bailey and at that moment we officially became a family of four.. For the first 10 days I felt like I had this 2 kid parenting down pat. However it is obvious you had other ideas and you have tested every part of me in this parenting gig this year.. I have cried more times then I would like to remember and have been exhausted beyond belief.. (I now completly understand why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture).

I’ve found my FIT at Pilates Fit Perth

Life, mum life, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

As you know I recently wrote about how I had lost my sparkle. My motivation levels were way below zero and my anxiety and stress levels were through the roof. I didn’t like living with me so I can only imagine how Brendan and the boys must of been feeling.

I started discussing with Brendan that I was thinking about starting Pilates again as I used to do it years ago and it always seemed to keep me balanced but with work, kids and life I dropped it and I was really starting to feel the effects.

HOLY MOLY: Nothing like having a shower facing a mirror to bring you back to reality!!!!

Life, Pregnancy, truth, Uncategorized

Soft, squishy, frumpy are a few words that come to mind when I think of my current post baby body. Now before you all try and make me feel better by saying don’t be silly you look great, let me tell you clothes make a HUGE difference. I was only telling a girlfriend the other day how much I LOVE my vest as it hides my squishy tummy!!!

Stripped Bare: My Truth…

Family, Life, truth, Uncategorized

Clenched jaw, heart palpitations, rapid breathing, clenched fists, feelings of Anger, fear and panic… Hello anxiety how I have missed you.. NOT.. I was first introduced to my old mate anxiety over 8 years ago, as I mentioned briefly in a previous post there was a time when I became a broken, scared and angry girl and during that time I met my old mate A..

To those that “know me” may not be surprised with how my life has turned out. Some people even have an idea of me living the perfect stress free life. I have even heard comments over the years that “oh you would never understand” “ It is because you have never had to face anything confronting” “Whats the worse thing that could have gone wrong in your life” the list goes on people can be so judgemental and cruel.. But the reality is I have actually had to deal with a lot of SHIT and BAGGAGE over the years. I just try not to let it DEFINE me as a person.

define you

image via google

Without going into all the details as its my crap not yours I basically was going through a pretty crappy time drinking ALL the time. My cousins and I joke about it now but to be honest its far from a joke I would carry mini bottle of alcohol in my bag like it was a bottle of water.. This night was no different we went out to a family dinner and decided to “party on” In short I got beyond wasted and in the end was in a situation none should have to be in no matter how sober or drunk they may be. I spent the next few weeks crying, and devising my escape plan I had convinced myself that maybe it was best I move away. We all have those nights when we vow to ourselves we will never drink again I was adamant that I would stick by my word ( I can just see everyone reading this that I know go aah so that’s why the crazy girl doesn’t drink). Not surprisingly I ended up with a little post traumatic stress and thats when I first came eye to eye with anxiety. If I went out I felt like everyone was looking at me and knew what had happened and was judging me

I felt feelings of Shame, Guilt, Anxiety, Loss of control, Dirty for years. The truth is I’m not ashamed anymore it is what it is and to be honest even though it was the worst night of my life it was also going to be the biggest turning point in which would open the door for a life I never knew existed…

So how did I control my anxiety levels from getting too high then and why now are they knocking on the door.. Running. Running become the best medicine along with an intense therapy course known as Lifeskills (let me tell you BEST thing EVER highly recommend for those dealing with some sort of crap no matter how big or small) But once I learnt to understand the root cause of my shit and how to deal with it running became my outlet. It was the me time I needed to just clear my head of any negative self talk and just be present. So what’s the problem now I hear you say??? Well this body hasn’t bounced back as quickly this time round and with a significantly large abdominal separation still, running is still off the cards for some time.. FARRRK… Brendan duck for cover lol over the years Brendan has learnt my early warning signs usually because he was the brunt of it and he would always say “ Babe why don’t you go for a run you will feel so much better”

So the transition of going from one child to two has been very tough as you know as I haven’t hid my struggles. I have my good days and bad some days a feel i nail parenting while other days I don’t. Take saturday for example Brendan had football duties so I decided to take the boys down to the park to watch, Epic fail. Bailey screamed all the way there so this poor mamma was feeling anxious before even stepping out of the car.. Then Cooper wanted to be with dad and not me, wanted to play on the skate ramp, I was worrying that somehow Cooper was going to go missing if I took my eye off him for a second to attend to Bailey or that we were going to get cleaned up by the ball. (At this point I could have thought aliens were going to come down and take us haha) so when Cooper said he wanted to leave I jumped at the chance I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
I got in the car and snap chatted some mum friends me with a screaming baby saying hating my husband right now. Which I was I felt so overwhelmed and as a result frustrated he wore the brunt of it. In my head I was thinking you bastard you work all week and you still have the audacity to leave me with the kids on a Saturday morning while you go run around an oval. In reality I don’t feel like that and I know he loves it and really he needs it as much as I need my outlet but at the time there was no reasoning. I called my mum and headed there for a breather and timeout (how AMAZING are mums I have a winner of one).

So for me at this point it is a matter of finding my new “zen” time or me time that helps me clear my head and just be. To be honest I do find blogging very therapeutic and should probably structure in time to actually sit down and do it by myself; instead of sitting here on the lounge with a very adorable little baby between me and my laptop as I eat my breakfast with one hand and type with the other haha..

When the time comes and I am given the all clear to run I will happily be back on the track but for now its about finding balance in what I can do and control.

So mummas I want to know have you found that your anxiety levels have risen since bubs has come along? (I think to some degree its inevitable)

And what “things” do you do to keep it at bay or have some solid me time? (I would love some suggestions)

So mummas its ok to need alone time whether its running or colouring in.. And dads just be kind to us mums if we have a shot at you instead of firing back maybe just suggest that she go have coffee with a girlfriend while you have the kids for the afternoon tomorrow.

metime

image via google

xxx much love

FED is BEST that is ALL that MATTERS!!!!

Family, Life, Uncategorized

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WOW we have hit the 8 week mark with our little man time is flying by.. I would be lying if I said that it has all been rainbows and butterflies. It has been tough, we have entered the world of reflux which is a completely different ball game to when Cooper was a baby. I take my hat off to parents who have had to deal with reflux what a bastard of a thing I feel like my life is just one big vomit fest and on the lucky days I get the chance to jump in the shower it usually only results with being vomited on 5 minutes later..

But as a mum my mum instincts were telling me there was more to this then just reflux. I was having issues feeding Bailey he was constantly on and off the boob, fussing and then there was the dreaded choking that usually happened at every feed this then resulted in me frantically trying to blow in his face to get him to startle and gasp. By the end Bailey would be in tears and if I wasn’t crying I was on the verge of crying and my heart rate was through the roof. By 4 weeks I decided enough was enough we booked in to see the paediatrician, funnily enough by our appointment Bailey seemed to being getting sick coughing, sounded very chesty and had noisy breathing I figured it was perfect timing as at least we were off to see the Dr already.

So the verdict was somewhat a relief our little guy wasn’t getting sick with a chest infection or any other stressful illness I was stressing myself over. There was even a reason I was struggling breastfeeding Bailey has what they call Laryngomalacia (LM) which is when the voice box is floppy and at times makes breathing harder and with my fast flow he was constantly choking when feeding. With it also comes a thing called a stridor which means he is quiet a noisy baby and breaths quiet heavy/sounds chesty. they tend to rate LM between mild- moderate and severe we are currently sitting between moderate and severe and very unlikely we will hit the severe stage Pheww as that includes operations and a world I don’t want to have to enter if I don’t need too. We are currently in the “watch and wait” stage with regular visits to our Paediatrician. Scary yes only last night I woke up to the poor little man gasping for air so a few quick blows in the face and pats on the back and we were all good.

So between his reflux and LM i find myself doing everything I avoided when we had Cooper; we rock/pat and hold him to sleep, let him sleep on our chest ALL the time because he just does not sleep and is constantly uncomfortable. But do you know what for the first time I don’t care, with Cooper I was so focused on getting him to self settle and go by the book; don’t get me wrong it was amazing and made bedtime so much easier BUT my anxiety levels would sky rocket if for one reason or another if we had to go off the plan. But this time I am going with the flow and just doing what needs to be done to ensure we are all happy and well rested as can be and do you know what I am so much LESS stressed even with everything going on.

So we are now exclusively on the bottle with thickened formula and meds for his reflux and we have seen a slight improvement although we are off to an app today to re evaluate his meds as they aren’t as effective at the moment.BUT we are getting there like all parents we have our good days and bad but we are so grateful for the beautiful little man that has entered our world even if he does refuse to sleep ;).

How did you cope with the early days?

Did you stick to your “plan” or did you need to re evaluate?

xx S

My little Family in Pictures

Family, Life, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

As you may know I had been waiting on the arrival of our second little man “Peanut”. It is with much excitement that I introduce you to Bailey Christopher Otway. Bailey was born on the 18th April 2016 which in fact was our first Wedding Anniversary…

I will share my birth story/first few weeks of motherhood round 2 shortly. But today  wanted to share some very precious photos we had done to capture and celebrate our new family of four.

They always say that you learn so much after your first and it is true you realise what works and what doesn’t work as well as different things to look for. And let me tell you photos are no different. When we had Cooper I had no idea what I was meant to look for or what I wanted all I new was that I wanted newborn photos so I came across a baby photographer looked at the sample book of cute photos and was sold sign me up that was easy..  What I didn’t realise was that some photographers don’t give you the edited images as part of the package that is additional $$. Don’t get me wrong I think Coopers photos are cute. But the experience as a new mum going to a studio, trying to get bubs to lay in certain positions without shitting or peeing everywhere the whole thing was stressful. Once our photos were ready it came to light that we had to purchase through them  cost we didn’t realise. Anyway fast forward to baby number 2 and this mumma new EXACTLY what to look/ask for and I knew what I wanted. I wanted natural shots that were stress free and that captured us being us nothing staged or awkward. After some research I found a company that ticked all the boxes..

Let me introduce The Wild Things, Loren was amazing and for someone who also had just had a bubba she made the time to come and capture our little family so perfectly and did I mention it was STRESS FREE. We just went about our business with some guidance of course.. The end result was PRICELESS not only doing we have beautiful family pictures but we have precious moments/pictures of both our beautiful boys. Loren was able to capture our love for each other, delicate pictures of Bailey as well as Coopers cheeky smile.

The best thing all our beautiful pictures were delivered to us on a beautiful little thumb drive for us to print at our leisure. If you are ever looking for someone to capture your precious moments then I suggest dropping Loren a line you won’t be disappointed.

The results speak for themselves xxx

The Wild Things

 

One of those mornings

Family, Life, Pregnancy

This morning was tough… Brendan had an early morning meeting which meant I was home for the first time with my two little gems and honestly it was hard.. Bailey is having some difficulty with maybe reflux ( the jury is still out on that one) but feeding is becoming a longer process as I can’t put him down once I’m finished as it clearly causes him pain.. But trying to explain that to a toddler is hard.. Cooper is very understanding and very helpful but this morning he just wanted his mummy which resulted in a meltdown telling me to put baby to bed and play dinosaurs and blocks.. I welled up and tried to explain why I couldn’t but that I would come and play and Bailey would watch while I held him.. I found myself checking the time hoping Brendan would be home soon then my phone rang and it was Brendan telling me he was on his way home I cried.. Cooper came running over to make sure I was ok and wiped my tears saying mummy so sad (which let me tell you only made me cry more)
We went on to play blocks but he was very cautious checking on me saying mummy so sad I reassured him mummy was ok… When daddy walked in the door we all sighed with relief and cooper jumped for joy…

One thing I know is that juggling two may not get easier anytime soon but I will get better at it. And as the oldest in my family I don’t remember the early days of when my brother came home so I know deep down Cooper will be ok but today mummy guilt got me xxxxx

I found the following poem on google which was just perfect for me today yes it made me cry I made sure I read it after cooper left…

“Dear Son,
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world” is not something you’re going to hear me say anymore. Not only is it unfair to Daddy, but it really won’t go over well with your baby brother once he is born and learns to talk. For now, though, it’s hard not to keep thinking it.
You, you, you. You’re the one who burst my heart wide open. You taught me what wild, uncontrollable, unlimited, unconditional love feels like. You changed everything. You turned me into a mom.
And even though you will no longer be my only child, or even my only boy, you will always be my first.
You’re the first one to make me forget myself. You’re the first person I ever said “I love you” to more than 10 times in one day. You’re the first human whose temperature I took, whose nose I wiped, and whose projectile vomit I was too tired to clean up and just sort of slept in.
With you, I made my first-time mom mistakes, like letting you roll off the bed onto the floor. Who knew you could roll? Thank you for not getting hurt and also for not holding a grudge.
Our baby’s coming soon, and while you may not be my only child anymore, you’ll probably be the only kid who knows what it’s like to have my undivided attention. Because how do I ever stop myself from thinking about you?
This realization gives me the guilts, but then again, your brother will have some advantages. I can’t imagine he will ever be bored or lonely for long — not with you and your unlimited repertoire of songs, dance moves, costumes, and magic tricks. I can’t wait to watch him watching you.
You. You were my first newborn, infant, toddler, and preschooler, and the one who continues to surprise me every day. You’re the intrepid explorer who pulls me by the hand into the future. You’re in all my thoughts and dreams, and every wish I make upon a star.
So when you’re feeling frustrated that I’m nursing your brother instead of playing dress-up, or that I might use stern words with you, but not him (he is just a baby), or that I can’t stop talking about how cute he is (I like infants the way you like ponies), know that there is more than enough love for both of you, because of the ever-expanding place in my heart that you made.
You, you, you. You will always be my first.”

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