Clenched jaw, heart palpitations, rapid breathing, clenched fists, feelings of Anger, fear and panic… Hello anxiety how I have missed you.. NOT.. I was first introduced to my old mate anxiety over 8 years ago, as I mentioned briefly in a previous post there was a time when I became a broken, scared and angry girl and during that time I met my old mate A..
To those that “know me” may not be surprised with how my life has turned out. Some people even have an idea of me living the perfect stress free life. I have even heard comments over the years that “oh you would never understand” “ It is because you have never had to face anything confronting” “Whats the worse thing that could have gone wrong in your life” the list goes on people can be so judgemental and cruel.. But the reality is I have actually had to deal with a lot of SHIT and BAGGAGE over the years. I just try not to let it DEFINE me as a person.
image via google
Without going into all the details as its my crap not yours I basically was going through a pretty crappy time drinking ALL the time. My cousins and I joke about it now but to be honest its far from a joke I would carry mini bottle of alcohol in my bag like it was a bottle of water.. This night was no different we went out to a family dinner and decided to “party on” In short I got beyond wasted and in the end was in a situation none should have to be in no matter how sober or drunk they may be. I spent the next few weeks crying, and devising my escape plan I had convinced myself that maybe it was best I move away. We all have those nights when we vow to ourselves we will never drink again I was adamant that I would stick by my word ( I can just see everyone reading this that I know go aah so that’s why the crazy girl doesn’t drink). Not surprisingly I ended up with a little post traumatic stress and thats when I first came eye to eye with anxiety. If I went out I felt like everyone was looking at me and knew what had happened and was judging me
I felt feelings of Shame, Guilt, Anxiety, Loss of control, Dirty for years. The truth is I’m not ashamed anymore it is what it is and to be honest even though it was the worst night of my life it was also going to be the biggest turning point in which would open the door for a life I never knew existed…
So how did I control my anxiety levels from getting too high then and why now are they knocking on the door.. Running. Running become the best medicine along with an intense therapy course known as Lifeskills (let me tell you BEST thing EVER highly recommend for those dealing with some sort of crap no matter how big or small) But once I learnt to understand the root cause of my shit and how to deal with it running became my outlet. It was the me time I needed to just clear my head of any negative self talk and just be present. So what’s the problem now I hear you say??? Well this body hasn’t bounced back as quickly this time round and with a significantly large abdominal separation still, running is still off the cards for some time.. FARRRK… Brendan duck for cover lol over the years Brendan has learnt my early warning signs usually because he was the brunt of it and he would always say “ Babe why don’t you go for a run you will feel so much better”
So the transition of going from one child to two has been very tough as you know as I haven’t hid my struggles. I have my good days and bad some days a feel i nail parenting while other days I don’t. Take saturday for example Brendan had football duties so I decided to take the boys down to the park to watch, Epic fail. Bailey screamed all the way there so this poor mamma was feeling anxious before even stepping out of the car.. Then Cooper wanted to be with dad and not me, wanted to play on the skate ramp, I was worrying that somehow Cooper was going to go missing if I took my eye off him for a second to attend to Bailey or that we were going to get cleaned up by the ball. (At this point I could have thought aliens were going to come down and take us haha) so when Cooper said he wanted to leave I jumped at the chance I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
I got in the car and snap chatted some mum friends me with a screaming baby saying hating my husband right now. Which I was I felt so overwhelmed and as a result frustrated he wore the brunt of it. In my head I was thinking you bastard you work all week and you still have the audacity to leave me with the kids on a Saturday morning while you go run around an oval. In reality I don’t feel like that and I know he loves it and really he needs it as much as I need my outlet but at the time there was no reasoning. I called my mum and headed there for a breather and timeout (how AMAZING are mums I have a winner of one).
So for me at this point it is a matter of finding my new “zen” time or me time that helps me clear my head and just be. To be honest I do find blogging very therapeutic and should probably structure in time to actually sit down and do it by myself; instead of sitting here on the lounge with a very adorable little baby between me and my laptop as I eat my breakfast with one hand and type with the other haha..
When the time comes and I am given the all clear to run I will happily be back on the track but for now its about finding balance in what I can do and control.
So mummas I want to know have you found that your anxiety levels have risen since bubs has come along? (I think to some degree its inevitable)
And what “things” do you do to keep it at bay or have some solid me time? (I would love some suggestions)
So mummas its ok to need alone time whether its running or colouring in.. And dads just be kind to us mums if we have a shot at you instead of firing back maybe just suggest that she go have coffee with a girlfriend while you have the kids for the afternoon tomorrow.
image via google
xxx much love