Trying to find my sparkle and not completely lose my shit

Family, Life, mum life, truth, Uncategorized

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I have been MIA on my blog as of late and the truth is I have been in a pretty shitty rut that had me lose my sparkle. Sleep deprivation is very much in full force and I must admit my patience levels are currently non-existent.

So if you are like me and you watch lots of kids movies you will know the movie I am talking about here…

I feel that I have the next character for Inside Out she is Orange and frankly she is a cow..
Joy meet Anxiety!!!!!
Anxiety has been a real hard bitch these past few weeks and what generally is a little tap on the door to remind me she is always around hasn’t been so subtle recently (more like breaking through the door with a god dam flame thrower).. She has really pushed Joy out of the picture and taken over the controls and I can feel the exact moment she takes control. I start to clench my teeth my back gets stiff, I get flustered and very quickly get very very shitty and on edge.. By this point Brendan is either the receiver of a narky text or I have just gone all out crazy emotional on him telling me he is watering the lawn.. (YES you read that correctly I went all CRAZY EMOTIONAL over watering our lawn).

So WHY I hear you say well honestly if I knew the exact reason and knew how to stop it I would have but I definitely have a very good idea on where it is coming from.
To be completely open and honest I feel/felt like I was drowning in mum shit. Bailey is still not 100% and although there has been a definite move forward in seeing the specialists etc the past 7 months have been tougher then I ever imagined and it has certainly taken its toll. I know we are going to have our bad/tough days but when they are constant and back to back it’s the “groundhog” effect that plays with your mental state. I was getting to the point (don’t get me wrong I still very much have these days) where I was frustrated and unmotivated for the day ahead as I knew what was ahead for me. In the past on bad days I usually count down to bedtime as I know come 7pm I’m somewhat free and have time to sit on the couch and be a potato watching Home and Away. BUT this time round with a non sleeping baby sleep is few and far between and bedtime as now becoming a dreaded part of my day rather than my breather. So add in a shitty day on top of a shitty night and do that a few times consecutively you are bound to shed a few tears and lose your shit.

As you know I recently joined a gym that has a crèche which allows me to drop Bailey off and go and do I work out. But even that hasn’t gotten me through the past couple of weeks. I love the gym and the creche is amazing but going to the gym has become such the chore. Gone are the days of just chucking on my gear and heading out, now I have to think ahead make sure I pack everything for Bailey that he might possibly need. It usually consists of a drive to the gym with Bailey singing the song of his people the entire way to just fall asleep 2 minutes away from gym. They ride home is usually another more intense version of the song of his people, this then means the relaxed state I felt after my workout has usually been drained out of me by the time I get to my driveway.

SO what am i doing about it well I have asked Brendan for a Pilates membership for christmas that will give me at least 2 sessions a week of pure me time. NO KIDS NO PACKING THE KITCHEN SINK.. Just ME my drink bottle and a REFORMER or MAT… To say I am looking forward to it is an understatement…

Just that little shift in thinking of what is coming has made the world of difference today I even met up with a running group (kids and husband in tow) but Brendan hit the playground with the boys and I hit the pavement for a Sunday jog and it helped set the day in a more positive light.

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Post Sunday Morning run feels

So here is to a fresh week that will more than likely still be as tough and groundhog day like BUT here is to me trying to keep focused and make use of the new allocated me time… Because if mum ain’t functioning correctly the entire family isn’t either.. So we MUST take care of ourselves to ensure we can take care of the rest of the clan…

So tell me how do you keep your anxiety at bay?

What do you do for your me time?

xx

Sam

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